UK Big Brother 9
A few weeks ago when I first started to notice the Big Brother adverts, I wondered if it could be as captivating as the first 2 years, as it got silly, then really silly, then just bloody awful from BB-3 onwards.
I missed the opening episode but caught a bit of it this morning and sat here having my first cig of the day and sipping some coffee watching a collective bunch of the usual suspects I realised Big Brother is just crap, it always has been, always will be.
It was captivating all those years ago because it was new, almost experimental, it excited you that perhaps a bunch of strangers trapped together may do something special. Alas it was not meant to be as everyone chosen for BB fits into a neat category designed to achieve a specific goal…
- The ‘Posh’ one - For mainstream audiences this is basically anybody who went to university and actually got a degree, or perhaps someone who went to private school and ‘talks proper’. Usually a bit pompous, bound to try and lead the group yet fail.
- The ‘Working class’ girl - Always a girl, usually from Essex or if the show really wants some juice then Birmingham. She’ll sound common but will actually be the product of a loving middle class, semi-detached dwelling family. She’s bound to use the phrase ‘University of life’ at least once and is most likely fit.
- Flamboyant Gay bloke - More outwardly gay than Quentin Crisp, will immediately bond with ‘Working Class’ or ‘Stupid’ girl, will be convinced that all the fit blokes are closet gays and wont talk to ‘Fatty’. Go Girl!
- Closet Gay bloke - Will be well spoken, fit as a fiddle, immediately pull all the birds except ‘Posh’ one (if she is a girl). Once he has come out to the house and probably the world (lol) he will immediately take ‘Gay’ control of the house and not fancy ‘Flamboyant’ bloke at all until they have a massive argument and bond through the tears, once this has happened one of them will be evicted.
- Stupid girl - Jade Goody, nuff said. (Will go on to make the most money from the entire series despite not winning)
- Fatty - At least one, will be pleasant natured but have an affinity for getting naked, just wrong basically. Wont last longer than 4 or 5 votes.
- Super-fit bloke - Will have rippling abs, tall, handsome, by the 3rd show will have all the tarts doing yoga and chin-ups, or even worse, taekwondo. He’ll have very little intelligence, most likely to end up shagging ’stupid’ girl, basically a twat.
- Sporty/Quiet/Musical one - Bloke or bird, will be most liked by the casual viewer, will actually have a refined sense of humour, wont get naked, wont break down crying, will probably be in a stable relationship… basically wont last more than 4 shows.
- Feminist/Vegetarian - Will impose her naive views on everyone for 2 weeks then climb over the wall to make some anti-farmyard-animal-sex statement and will never been heard of again.
Probably not the definitive list, but you’ll certainly find them in BB9, I think they accidentally included genuinely interesting people in the first two series. Before they realised that whilst the likes of ‘Jon Tickle’ made interesting watching, he didn’t quite have the getting-naked-and-crying-into-your-own-vomit-stained-fat-ripples that made Jade Goody the household name she is now, and therefore loved by anyone with a two figure IQ, and not a high two figures.
Big Brother - the official Big Brother 9 UK website on channel4.com